Effective Parenting Techniques for Overly Assertive Children

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Does talking to your child sometimes feel like speaking to a brick wall? While we all want our kids to express their opinions, some children assert themselves by refusing to acknowledge other points of view, which can be extremely frustrating. If your child has a domineering communication style, correcting him probably feels impossible, no matter how wrong he is. His desire to always be right may also upset his siblings and push his peers away, leading to fractured or tense relationships.

When Should You Worry About Assertive Communication?

Most children go through bossy or “know it all” phases as they grow up. During toddlerhood and adolescence, children undergo a process known as separation and individuation, which is characterized by a strong push for independence and a greater sense of individual identity. As part of this process, children create emotional boundaries between themselves and their parents by asserting their opinions and desires, and by stubbornly refusing to do things they don’t want to do. These temporary behaviours are normal and healthy, and it’s important to avoid completely shutting your child down as he explores who he is. Hear him out during debates, acknowledge his views and desires, and make sure he feels comfortable confiding in you. When kids feel heard and respected, the intensity of their need to assert themselves usually naturally diminishes over time.

In some cases, however, kids can take their need to assert themselves too far. If your child’s overbearing behaviour interferes with his ability to function at home or at school, causes him social problems, or regularly disrupts life for the rest of your family, you should intervene and teach him more appropriate ways to interact with others.

4 Ways to Handle Excessive Assertiveness

1.     Don’t overreact to your child’s views.

Children are highly impressionable. They pick up new ideas from their friends, the internet, the media, etc., then repeat the novel concepts they’ve learned at home. By experimenting with new ideas, kids and teens learn which views and opinions align with their character, and which don’t. Sometimes, as part of this process, your child may express opinions that are incorrect, or that don’t match your values. While this can be unsettling, you shouldn’t be frightened by your child’s outlook. Listen to your child’s reasons for believing what he does, respectfully state your own opinion, and let your child respond. Then, step back from the conversation so he can think the issue over on his own.

Don’t become upset or argue with your child if he doesn’t change his mind right away; strongly opposing your child’s views will probably make him cling to his opinions, not reject them. Arguing in favour of challenging views makes kids feel powerful and independent, which is why a child will often continue debating even after you’ve explained your position clearly. Likewise, vehemently countering your child’s stance will teach him that expressing a specific opinion is a good way to separate his identity from yours.

To prevent hostility and hurt feelings, resist the temptation to have the “last word” during debates and let your child retain his own outlook, even if it isn’t ideal. Continuing arguments doesn’t show your child that you’re in control of the situation or affirm your role as an authority figure. On the contrary, the longer you argue with your child, the more control you’ll cede to him. After all, you’re letting him keep you trapped in a dead-end conversation, and you’re allowing him to get a rise out of you.

Instead of arguing with your child, it’s usually better to ignore ideas you dislike (after hearing your child out once) and focus on how your child is actually behaving on a day to day basis. If he’s keeping up with his responsibilities, not harming himself, and treating others well, his difficult opinions are probably just a phase, and not indicative of deeper issues.

2.     Know when to initiate a “time out.”

Within families, everyone’s needs, views, and wishes must be equally respected. When one child starts to dominate conversations to such a degree that no one else can express themselves or enjoy socializing, it’s important to intervene to preserve everyone’s right to be heard.

If one child starts to complain incessantly about what you’re having for dinner, which movie or game is selected during family night, etc., calmly call for a “time out” to defuse the situation. Ask your child to go to his room and quietly think about the problem until he can let go of the desire to argue. Later, you can talk to him about solutions that would help prevent similar issues in the future. For example, you might develop a system where each child gets to pick their favourite movie or meal once per month, so that everyone has a turn to assert their preferences.

3.     Use cues to help your child recognize when there’s an issue.

Non-verbal cues are an excellent tool for preventing arguments; they also help kids respond more appropriately to real-world situations. Setting up a cue system will allow your child to correct himself before he makes serious mistakes, thereby preserving his relationships and his confidence.

To develop a cue system, start by gently telling your child why his behaviour is an issue, then explain how working on it will help everyone get along better. Once your child understands the advantages of moderating his overbearing tendencies, discuss a simple cue you can use to make your child aware of when he’s being pushy or “talking over” other people. Choose a unique but discreet physical gesture, like tapping your index finger firmly against the palm of your hand, to alert your child to his actions without embarrassing him.

Give your child simple, specific instructions to follow after he sees you use your chosen cue. You might tell him to take a deep breath, count to three, then ask the other person to share his (or her) opinion. Remind your child to listen to what the other person has to say without interrupting him. You should also discuss fair consequences for ignoring your cue or failing to follow through on these steps.

4.     Make sure your child’s siblings get a chance to express themselves, too.

In addition to using cues and “time outs” to ensure every sibling has space to express himself or herself, you should have protocol in place to moderate conversations that are getting out of hand. When you see your kids engaged in a circular debate, ask your child to listen to his sibling’s perspective, then provide logical, thought-out reasons why he doesn’t agree with it. If that approach doesn’t work, set a time limit for the discussion by telling your children they have 60 seconds left to resolve the issue, otherwise they’ll both be sent to their rooms for a time out. This strategy encourages children to learn how to resolve their own differences in a timely manner.

Sometimes, younger children benefit from using a physical object, like a “talking stick” or sign, to help them take turns during conversations. You can establish a rule where whoever is holding the talking stick gets to speak (while the other child stays silent), and no one can hold the talking stick for longer than one minute. Children who learn how to share conversational space early in life develop stronger communication skills, which will eventually help them navigate the turbulent years of adolescence.

As a parent, you need to strike a balance between showing your children that their insights matter and teaching them how to function in a socially harmonious way. By refusing to participate in pointless arguments and giving every child a chance to express their views, you’ll teach your kids to temper their strong opinions with empathy and realistic expectations. Having this ability is essential to being successful in the adult world, where we must prevent our emotional biases from interfering with how we behave at work, at school, and in our close relationships.