Children with Asperger’s (AS) and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) can appear somewhat paradoxical in nature. On one hand, many kids on the Autism Spectrum are cautious, anxious, and shy. On the other hand, it’s not uncommon for AS and HFA children to struggle with impulse control, too. This can make them look aggressive and rebellious—even when that isn’t their intent. At these moments, they’re not being malicious; they’re just acting on a whim without thinking about the consequences of their actions.
Most children struggle with impulse control to some degree, of course. Unsupervised neurotypical kids will often “binge eat” their favourite foods until they feel sick, for example, or impulsively snatch toys away from other children. Kids on the Autism Spectrum just retain these tendencies longer than other kids and exhibit them more frequently. They struggle to learn how to “self-regulate” and often find themselves getting into trouble more than their peers by the time they’re in school. Unless these children get the help they need, this can lead to both personal and academic problems.
9 Ways To Help Kids on the Autism Spectrum Learn Self-Regulation
1. Be specific when communicating instructions.
Kids with AS/HFA don’t interpret vague language well, so it’s extremely important to be direct and concise when talking to them. Likewise, you should prepare to equip these kids with the “basics” when it comes to telling right from wrong. Because AS/HFA children usually struggle to read social cues and empathize properly, it can be hard for them to figure out how to behave. For example, instead of telling an Autistic child to “be good,” you’ll need to say to him, “When we go into the store, don’t touch anything unless I give you permission.”
2. Discipline needs to be prompt, direct, and brief.
Autistic kids have a hard time imagining future outcomes, so they tend to learn more effectively from immediate consequences. To return to the example above, if the child in question disobeys his parent’s instructions and grabs a candy bar, he should be told at once that he won’t be getting his weekly treat. Punishments that involve a time delay (like grounding the child for an hour when he gets home) don’t work as well for Autistic children. Likewise, consequences that don’t directly relate to the behaviour being punished might not make sense to an Autistic child. If he acts out at the dinner table, for example, it’s better to send him away without dessert than to take away his computer privileges that evening. Otherwise, he might not be able to make the connection between his computer usage and how he acts at the dinner table. These two subjects will probably look unrelated to him.
Note that the above guidelines apply to praise, too. When you notice your AS/HFA child doing something good, reward him right away. Tell him exactly what he has done well and why it’s helpful to others. I recommend reading this article on discipline methods that work with AS/HFA children.
3. Develop a “point system” that allows your child to earn rewards.
One of the best ways to teach kids cause and effect is to give them “points” for good behaviour. Allowing them to redeem these points at the end of the week for a reward, such as a material treat or extra privileges, can help them start connecting their actions with specific results in the future.
4. Prioritize problem behaviours; don’t worry about the “little things.”
Children on the Autism Spectrum are easily overwhelmed; too many sights, sounds, and details can cause them to become overstimulated and “melt down.” Once they are overwhelmed, their ability to process new information is severely co-opted. Naturally, then, these kids are going to learn better if they aren’t being overloaded with reprimands.
When parenting an Autistic child, it’s important to choose your battles carefully. Punish him for major transgressions—like hitting another child—but don’t administer discipline when your child spills milk or forgets to hang up his jacket. Instead, just calmly ask him to clean up after himself.
5. Understand the role stimulation plays in causing AS and HFA kids to act out.
When parenting a child on the Spectrum, it’s extremely important to differentiate between actual misbehaviour and acting out due to being overstimulated. Children with AS and HFA often genuinely cannot help doing the latter, and punishing them for it will only make the situation worse. Instead, you should look for sources of stimulation that may be prompting your child to act impulsively. Then, just before your child is confronted with them, try distracting him with something pleasant. If you’ve noticed your child melts down every time he has to enter a busy shopping mall, for instance, you can offer him an MP3 player and headphones so that he can listen to soothing music while you both shop. Wherever possible, you should prepare for your child’s impulsive reactions ahead of time—this will minimize stress for both of you.
6. Hold your child accountable for his actions.
Understanding the role AS/HFA plays in your child’s outbursts should not mean allowing him to use Autism as an “excuse.” Yes, you should help him manage stimulation, coax him through situations that are genuinely difficult for him, and empathize with him. At the same time, however, he still needs to be held accountable when his actions are hurting other people. If he isn’t, he’ll never learn to control his impulses.
7. Give your child a daily schedule.
Kids with AS/HFA feel calmer and more in control when they have a schedule outlining each day. Likewise, you should let your child cross or wipe off tasks as he completes them. This will enhance his sense of control and give him a feeling of accomplishment.
8. Provide your child with a list of rules.
Giving your child a clear list of rules accomplishes two things: It helps him understand where household boundaries lie (without having to read social cues) and it reminds him to think before he acts. For best results, place the list of rules somewhere visible, such as on the fridge.
9. Guide your child through transitions.
Kids on the Spectrum have a difficult time switching from one activity to the next—even when the change is seemingly mundane, like being asked to get ready for bed. However, you can help them avoid melting down by preparing them for transitions ahead of time. Let your child know at least ten minutes in advance that you expect him to stop what he’s doing and engage in another activity. If he doesn’t cease what he’s doing, give him another reminder five minutes later.
Though teaching self-regulation to children on the Spectrum is challenging, the rewards are well worth it. Kids who are able to think before they act are calmer, happier, and enjoy healthier relationships with others. For best results, start teaching your AS/HFA child impulse control skills early in life and patiently repeat lessons as needed. Your child will almost certainly prosper under your caring guidance.
Finally, don’t forget that assistance from a mental health professional can be an invaluable aid in teaching your child how to self-regulate. You and your child don’t have to navigate life with Asperger’s or HFA alone.
