Drawing the Line: Tips to Handle Angry Disrespectful Child Behaviour

Dr. Tali Shenfield | Updated on October 1, 2023

At some point, every parent has to deal with disrespectful behaviour from his or her child. Whether it’s something as minor as ignoring your requests or as upsetting as a string of curses and insults, your child will sometimes express himself in unproductive ways. When this happens, first and foremost you must understand that you’re not alone and your child’s behaviour is not your fault. Furthermore, know that with the right approach, disrespectful behaviour can usually be corrected.

While defiance is unpleasant, it’s usually not a cause for alarm: Your child is probably just trying to work through feelings of frustration and powerlessness. As children grow older, they often feel confined by rules and expectations. They desire more autonomy but they’re not sure how to get it; as such, they act out as a means of asserting control over the situation. If your child doesn’t want to do his homework, for example, he might try to draw you into a lengthy argument. If he succeeds, he’ll be getting his own way (albeit temporarily): You’ll both be so busy arguing about his attitude that his homework will become an afterthought.

However, while it’s important to recognize and facilitate your child’s need for independence, you should never condone or encourage hurtful, rude behaviour. The key to managing a disrespectful child lies in allowing him a healthy measure of autonomy while simultaneously curbing inappropriate methods of self-expression. The five tips below should help you strike such a balance:

1. Don’t Take Your Child’s Behaviour Personally

The more you internalize your child’s words and actions, the more likely you will be to overreact. This both escalates the situation and encourages your child to keep behaving disrespectfully. After all, by showing your child that he can get a rise out of you, you’re proving to him that his techniques are effective.

Instead, most experts recommend that you let the “little things” (such as sighs and eye rolls followed by obedience) slide altogether. Furthermore, you should objectively analyze which of your child’s disrespectful behaviours are really disruptive. Focus on correcting these behaviours through the use of calm, consistent discipline.

2. Model Respectful Behaviour for Your Child

Where do kids get the idea that acting in a disrespectful way solves problems? Usually by observing someone they respect using similar methods to handle their annoyance and upset. One of the best ways you can curb disrespectful behaviour is therefore to demonstrate healthy anger management strategies. Avoid speaking badly about others behind their backs and be polite and courteous in front of your children even when you’re dealing with a difficult person.

3. Don’t Give Your Child “Permission” to be Disrespectful

Although no parent intends to encourage their child to be disrespectful, some do unwittingly condone this behaviour—until it’s aimed in their direction. Think, for example, of the following situation: Your child is being given a truly burdensome amount of homework by one of his teachers. Naturally, you sympathize with his plight. So, when he starts complaining about how unfair his teacher is, calling her names and otherwise making a fuss about her, you agree with him (at least in part). What message do you think your child will receive if you do this? He’ll understand that it’s acceptable and even helpful to treat someone disrespectfully when you don’t agree with him or her.

A better way to handle these kind of situations is to, as a first step, empathize with your child. Validate his feelings, e.g. by saying, “I understand that you’re feeling tired and frustrated right now; that’s okay.” Once you have done this, remind him that while his feelings are acceptable, being rude is not. Discuss respectful ways you and your child might handle the situation, such as by going and having a polite discussion with the teacher about her homework policies.

4. Remind Your Child of the Good They Do

Many parents who are dealing with an especially defiant child try to rectify the situation by becoming increasingly strict. In doing so, they forget how important positive feedback is to guiding and correcting behaviour: Your child has to know what he’s doing right or he’ll have no positive behavioural goals to aim for. Furthermore, constant criticism will make your child resentful of you.

When your child does make an effort to obey you, reward him with praise. Likewise, you should proactively look for good things your child is doing. If your child doesn’t lose his temper when dealing with a moody sibling, for example, tell him that you noticed his act of self-restraint and are proud of him.

5. Don’t Try to Force Your Child to Respect You

As tempting as it is to assert yourself by saying, “I’m the parent, so you have to respect me!” demanding respect from your child is likely to backfire. Why? It’s simply impossible to make someone respect you, so you’re setting yourself up for failure when you make these ultimatums.

Rather than trying to control how your child feels about you, keep the focus on his behaviour. Remind him that while he may not like a rule, he has to comply with it, and calling you names won’t change that. Emphasize the fact that rudeness is wrong, no matter how one is feeling.

6. Practice Active Listening

Children and teens often act out when they feel unheard, exhibiting rude and disrespectful behaviour. One way to deal with this is to make space to actively listen when your child is expressing emotions or concerns.

Give them your full, non-judgmental attention. Maintain eye contact and refrain from interrupting. Validate their perspective with comments like “I understand why you feel that way.”

Ask thoughtful questions to show your interest. Paraphrase what you hear to ensure understanding. Don’t downplay their feelings as silly or irrational.

Active listening demonstrates that your child’s thoughts and feelings are important. This nurtures trust and reduces their need to resort to disrespect in order to be heard.

Making your child feel truly listened to meets a core need. Patiently guide them in constructive communication through your own example.

7. Establish a Safe Space for Expression

For open communication, children need a non-judgmental space to voice their thoughts and emotions. This is an effective way to handle disrespectful behaviour before it escalates.

Set a regular time like during car rides or walks where conversation flows easily. Make yourself available to listen without interrupting.

Or designate a comfortable spot like their bedroom where they can share freely. Clarify this is a safe zone free of anger or punishment.

When children feel secure expressing themselves, they are less likely to bottle up feelings that lead to disrespect. Patiently creating such spaces prevents issues down the road.

Let your child guide the discussion, only offering empathy and guidance if requested. Building trust now paves the way for cooperation and mutual understanding.

8. Engage in Constructive Parent Child Conversations

For ongoing bad behaviour issues, scheduled one-on-one talks can help air grievances and find solutions. It’s essential to teach your child to communicate without having an outburst or throwing things. Come prepared, but also ready to listen.

Don’t lecture. Articulate how the disrespect affects you without blaming. Ask their perspective and validate their feelings. Seek compromise where possible.

Discuss respectful communication techniques you can both try. The goal is connection through mutual understanding, not power struggles.

Over time, regular constructive conversations can preempt bigger conflicts. They foster trust as you and your child learn to speak openly and problem solve together.

When patterns emerge, dialogue is better than punishment. Heart-to-heart talks guide progress through care, wisdom, and understanding.

9. Recognize the Adolescent Phase

As children grow, especially during the pre-teen and teenager phases, it’s natural for them to test limits and boundaries. Pushing back against rules and expectations is often not meant as defiance, but is instead a normal part of development as kids journey towards becoming an adult.

Adolescence in particular is a time of identity exploration. Teens may experiment with different attitudes and behaviours as they figure out who they are. Some lip service and minor rebellion is to be expected. Keep this context in mind before reacting to perceived disrespect.

Of course, allowing unsafe or destructive actions is never okay. But picking battles and making space for normal developmental stages can help maintain a healthy parent-child relationship through the teen years. Recognize that some backtalk comes with the territory. Stay measured in your responses.

10. Be Alert to External Influences on Your Kid

Your child’s behaviour is impacted by more than just your parenting. External influences like friends, media, and school also shape their attitudes and actions. It’s essential to attend to these influences and address any bad behaviour they might encourage.

Pay attention to who your child is spending time with and what messages they may be receiving. Pop culture often glamorizes rudeness as cool or edgy. Discuss positive role models with your child and reinforce admirable traits.

Peers exert a strong influence, especially in the teen years. Politely get to know your child’s friends and observe their interactions. Kindly express any concerns you may have about negative impacts.

Even school settings can encourage disrespect if teachers act impatient or arrogant. Talk with your child about respect going both ways. Handle any issues professionally and set an example.

By monitoring outside influences, you can better understand the origins of disrespect and mitigate them. Maintain open communication with your child as their guide.

11. Limit Exposure to Violent or Aggressive Media

Studies show exposure to violent media can desensitize kids and encourage aggression, leading to outbursts like punching walls or slamming bedroom doors. It’s crucial to teach your child the difference between fiction and reality. Monitor what your child sees across all formats.

For movies and video games, adhere to age ratings and guidance. Co-view shows and play games together to discuss concerning content.

Explain how fictional aggression differs from real life. Point out that violent characters often suffer consequences.

Promote prosocial entertainment like documentaries and comedies. Counteract concerning messages by discussing nonviolent role models.

Keeping impressionable minds from being shaped by violent media reduces the risk of aggressive attitudes and behaviours taking root. Shelter their innocence while teaching emotional intelligence.

12. Seek Feedback from Teachers and Caregivers

Your child’s conduct outside the home provides valuable insights. Maintain open communication with teachers, coaches, and other caregivers.

Politely ask for feedback on both positive and concerning behaviours. Listen without defensiveness to understand the full picture.

Discuss strategies used successfully in different settings that could translate home. Seek advice to nurture strengths and improve weaknesses.

Share your own insights and values to align approaches across environments. Consistency minimizes confusion and maximizes growth.

It takes a village to raise a child. Embrace the teamwork, remembering everyone wants what’s best for your child. Together you can guide them to fulfill their potential.

13. Don’t Ignore the Root Cause of Disrespectful Child Behaviour

It’s tempting to only focus on stopping disrespect in the moment. But for lasting improvement, you must understand the root causes behind it.

Look beyond the surface actions to the deeper feelings driving them. Is your child seeking control due to feelings of powerlessness? Are peers exerting negative influence?

Openly discussing potential factors without judgment shows your desire to help, not just punish. Seek counseling if needed to uncover and resolve core issues.

Effectively correcting disrespect means treating not just the symptoms, but the source. Identifying and addressing the root causes will cultivate genuine behavioural change motivated from within.

14. Equip Your Child to Express Frustration Constructively

Feelings of anger, irritation, and frustration are normal for children. But disrespect stems from poor regulation of these strong emotions.

Equip your child with healthy strategies to process their feelings productively. Teach them deep breathing techniques to use when upset. Suggest taking a break to calm down before reacting.

Model using “I feel” statements like “I feel frustrated when you don’t listen.” This expresses emotion without attacking. Practice these skills as a family during calm times.

Share tools you use yourself to stay regulated in heated moments. Explain how you take a few breaths before responding to anger.

A child capable of managing their emotions is less likely to lash out disrespectfully. The early skills they gain will serve them well into adulthood. Patiently guide them in constructive expression.

15. Teach Problem-Solving Skills

When children lack problem-solving strategies, minor frustrations can escalate quickly. Teach skills to address challenges constructively.

First, help your child identify the root problem and articulate their emotions around it. Then brainstorm potential solutions together.

Ask questions to guide them in considering pros and cons of each solution. Empower them to choose the best course of action.

Initially walk through the process together. Over time they will become more adept at independent problem solving.

Having tools to address difficulties fosters self-efficacy and reduces acting out. Nurturing these skills cultivates resilience and responsibility.

Patiently develop your child’s ability to solve their own problems. They will reap lifelong benefits from this invaluable life skill.

16. Foster a Supportive Parenting Environment

The home environment greatly impacts a child’s behaviour. A stressful, chaotic household can provoke more acting out. On the other hand, a stable, supportive atmosphere minimizes disrespect.

Keep communication open. Allow your child to voice their feelings and opinions without judgement. Actively listen and seek to understand their perspective.

Make time for family activities and bonding. Regular one-on-one time prevents tension buildup. Shared meals without distractions are also important.

Don’t overlook signs of anxiety or depression. Sometimes disrespect hides deeper issues. Professional help may be needed to address the root causes.

Show unconditional love, especially when tensions are high. Reassure your child of their inherent worth. With a solid foundation at home, they can better handle life’s challenges.

A nurturing family life shields against the triggers of disrespect. Invest in creating a refuge where your child feels secure.

17. Establish Consistent Routines

Consistent routines are calming for children. A predictable flow to each day makes them feel secure.

Establish regular times for meals, schoolwork, activities, and sleep. Post schedules visibly and help guide children through each step.

Explain in advance any changes to the routine. Adjustments are easier when framed positively versus punitively.

Model reliability yourself by sticking to set routines. Children mirror the patterns they observe.

With the safety of consistency, children become more self-assured and cooperative. Daily routines establish order and nurture thriving. They help prevent the chaos that can spur disrespect.

Patiently commit to regular routines. The security they foster will extend beyond childhood as a lifelong gift.

18. Set Clear Boundaries and Consequences for Disrespectful Kid Behaviour

Children need clear rules and structure to feel secure and behave properly. Set reasonable boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable conduct.

Calmly explain these boundaries and why they exist. Post them visibly as helpful reminders. Be consistent in upholding them day to day.

Also establish fair, proportional consequences for crossing boundaries, like loss of privileges or time-outs. Follow through each time with care and patience.

Clear boundaries paired with predictable consequences provide a framework kids can understand. This curbs disrespect while still allowing age-appropriate independence.

Well-defined rules with empathy prepare children to interact respectfully in society. Patiently guide them in internalizing good values.

19. Educate About Empathy

Children’s brains are still developing the ability to empathize. Guide them in considering others’ perspectives.

When your child is disrespectful, ask “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” Help them reflect from a place of care.

Read stories and discuss examples of empathy and its positive impacts. Identify their strengths in showing compassion.

Role play scenarios where they imagine being on the receiving end. Reinforce that emotions matter beyond their own.

As your child’s empathy grows, disrespect naturally decreases. Patience and practice help cultivate this crucial life skill, bringing out their best.

20. Avoid Labeling

It’s easy to label a child as “disrespectful” or “rude” in moments of frustration. But these labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies over time.

Instead, address the specific problematic behaviour without judging the child’s core character. Say “Talking back is disrespectful” rather than “You are so disrespectful.”

Remind them of their good qualities and your unconditional love. With your support, children can outgrow unfortunate behaviours.

Labels stick, shaping self-perception and future actions. Avoid careless words said in anger. Speak to inspire growth, not shame.

Children are constantly learning and improving. Guide them with compassion, wisdom and hope unhindered by limiting labels.

What To Do If Angry Disrespectful Behaviour Intensifies

The twenty strategies above should be sufficient to curb, or at least manage, most cases of mild to moderate disrespectful behaviour. In some rare cases, however, a child’s defiant behaviour may continue to worsen. If this happens to you, it’s important to recognize that your child’s persistent, severe acting out may be symptomatic of a deeper issue (such as a Conduct Disorder). Seek support from other parents and the assistance of a mental health professional in the event that your child’s behaviour becomes truly unmanageable. With the correct treatment, your child should be able to stabilize and overcome his issues with authority.

References:

  1. Maccoby EE, Martin JA. Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction. In: Hetherington EM, editor. Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development. New York: Wiley; 1983. p. 1-101.
  2. Masten AS, Cicchetti D. Developmental cascades. Development and Psychopathology. 2010 Summer;22(3):491-495.
  3. Rutter M, Kim-Cohen J, Maughan B. Continuities and discontinuities in psychopathology between childhood and adult life. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2006 March-April;47(3-4):276-95.
  4. Hoeve M, Dubas JS, Eichelsheim VI, van der Laan PH, Smeenk W, Gerris JR. The relationship between parenting and delinquency: A meta-analysis. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. 2009 August;37(6):749-75.

 

This is an update to the original post "5 Tips For Managing A Disrespectful Child" published on Jan 19, 2019. 

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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