Many of the most rewarding things in life come with their fair share of challenges, and relationships are no different. Every couple experiences ups and downs, whether they’re driven by adverse events, differing values, or periods of poor communication. However, it can be difficult to put these challenges into perspective and assess the overall health of a relationship: How do you know if you and your partner are experiencing normal conflict, or if there are deeper issues present that threaten the longevity of your union? Could you benefit from relationship counselling, or do you have the tools you need to overcome obstacles on your own?
Though the definition of a healthy relationship is subject to individual interpretation, there are general guidelines that can help you differentiate normal conflict from a serious problem. The ten traits outlined below are strong indicators that your relationship is solid and mutually nourishing:
1. You feel heard and understood by your partner, even when you don’t agree
No two people will agree on everything. Sometimes, different tastes, preferences, and problem solving methods can lead to heated debates that aren’t resolved easily—and that’s okay. While compromise should always be your ultimate goal (especially when you and your partner are navigating important issues), how you feel during disagreements is more relevant to the overall health of your relationship. Do you feel like your partner truly listens to what you have to say? Does he or she respect your point of view, even when he or she doesn’t share your stance? Ideally, you should walk away from conflict feeling loved and valued, even if you’re frustrated at the same time. If, on the other hand, arguments regularly make you feel invalidated (or worse, belittled), then you almost certainly need outside assistance to learn new ways to communicate.
2. You’re not facing any insurmountable hurdles
Some problems are too big to be handled alone, no matter how hard both partners try to make things work. If serious issues—like addiction, abuse, or adultery—are present in your relationship, then you should absolutely seek help from a mental health professional.
3. You’re growing together, not apart
Successful couples learn from the challenges they face together and apply what they learn to their relationship. If you and your partner have used conflict and adversity to learn how to communicate better and work together as a team, then you’ve proven you have the ability to grow together. By contrast, if you feel like you constantly run into the same issues (only to reach an unhappy stalemate) then you probably need to seek objective moderation.
4. You can work together to manage financial matters
Though many people want to believe that love and money exist in wholly separate realms, this is seldom the case in serious long-term relationships. Financial problems are the leading cause of divorce and marital disharmony, so getting on a firm financial footing is one of the best ways to ensure a lasting, happy relationship. If you and your partner are living within your means, agree on a saving strategy, and have a realistic long-term financial plan, then you’re on the right track. If you feel like you can’t trust your partner with money (or your partner doesn’t agree with your spending habits), then you should seek help.
5. You and your partner trust one another
Without trust, love can’t thrive. The cornerstone of any healthy relationship is the knowledge that your partner has your best interests at heart, keeps your secrets, and is honest with you—even when telling the truth is difficult. You should feel confident that you can tell your partner anything and be met with empathy.
6. Your relationship has healthy boundaries around it
Relationships, like individual people, need boundaries. Friends, relatives, and other outside parties shouldn't be allowed to unduly influence what you and your partner do or how you both feel. While it’s okay to get feedback from others when you’re having a hard time compromising with your partner, no one outside the relationship should be integral to your mutual decision-making process.
7. You and your partner hold one another in high regard
Mutual respect is as important to the health of your relationship as mutual trust. You and your partner should see one another as being fundamentally competent, valuable, and insightful.
8. Your intimate life is satisfying
Every couple has their own definition of what constitutes a satisfying intimate life. How often you have sex with your partner is less important than how fulfilled you both feel by your sexual relationship. If either partner is experiencing prolonged sexual frustration, then it’s important to seek counselling before feelings of resentment develop.
9. You can see a bright future for your relationship
Do you feel like your relationship is headed in the right direction? If your overall feeling about your future with your partner is one of hope and optimism, then it’s likely that you have any problems you’re facing under control.
10. You and your partner are grateful for one another
Strong mutual appreciation and low levels of resentment are both indicators that your relationship is a nourishing, productive union. It’s important not to start to take your partner for granted as your relationship progresses: Be grateful for the little things he or she does and remember that you both need to put in effort to make things “work,” whether you’ve been together for one year or twenty years.
A relationship that doesn’t match all ten of the criteria above isn’t doomed to failure. On the contrary, the vast majority of couples require counselling at some point during their lives, and in some cases, even serious hurdles can be overcome through therapy. As is the case with most of life’s problems, early intervention is the best way to stop relationship issues from becoming worse. Seeking help before feelings of bitterness or anger become entrenched will allow your relationship to evolve and thrive over the years to come.
Author: Joe Accardi
This is a guest post by Toronto psychotherapist Dr. Joe Accardi. Joe practices couples and marriage therapy in his private practice in downtown Toronto. Dr. Accardi is an expert in different treatment modalities incl. Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Psychodynamic Therapy, and Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT). You can visit his website at consultinghealth.com and follow him on Twitter at @JoeAccardi
Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Dec 21, 2018
Image credit: pixabay.com
