There’s a lot of stigma surrounding the idea of attending couples therapy. In the media, couples therapy is portrayed as a “last resort” that married couples only engage in when they’re on the verge of divorce. The reality of couples therapy is, however, far different: Therapy can be used to improve nearly any relationship, and it’s better to seek therapy before issues become severe. Needing assistance isn’t a sign that your relationship is destined to fall apart, either. On the contrary, a willingness to engage in therapy demonstrates mutual commitment and a desire to make things work. Even when the stigma associated with therapy is set aside, many couples have a difficult time gauging when to seek help. How do you know where normal conflict ends and serious issues begin? Though every relationship is different, the nine situations outlined below strongly signify a need for relationship counselling:
1. A betrayal has occurred
Betrayal can encompass more than just infidelity (though infidelity is a definite sign that therapy is required). Making major purchases against each other’s wishes, for example, constitutes a form of betrayal.
If you or your partner feel the need to keep secrets for any reason, then you should absolutely consider relationship counselling. Counselling can help you figure out why you feel like you can’t be honest in your relationship. Your therapist will also aid you in processing your emotions (without resorting to blame or bitterness) so you can effectively communicate your needs to your partner.
2. The bad times outnumber the good times
Every relationship has its share of disagreements and periods of tension. However, when the overall “tone” of a relationship becomes more negative than positive (and stays that way for an extended period of time), something is clearly amiss.
To get a clearer picture of the patterns in your relationship, try keeping an “interaction journal” for at least two weeks. Every day, record whether your interactions with your partner were largely positive or negative in nature. At the end of the two week period, look at the ratio of positive vs. negative interactions. Ideally, there should be at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. If this isn’t the case, you should strongly consider couples therapy.
Note that negative interaction patterns don’t necessarily have to include repeated, fiery arguments. Partners being highly critical of one another, emotionally withdrawn, or passive-aggressive can cause as much damage to a relationship as outright hostility. Likewise, remember that you and your partner should be having fun together: If you seldom laugh together, spend time together, or share your interests, you’re likely to feel bored and unfulfilled. Without outside intervention, all of these issues can gradually create toxic emotional baggage.
3. You and your partner struggle to communicate
Without effective communication, there can be no compromise. Communication issues can also make one or both partners feel invalidated, unheard, or disrespected. Over time, this can cause a couple to avoid communicating with one another, increasing the likelihood of betrayal.
Through therapy, you and your partner can identify your individual communication styles and see where you’re misunderstanding one another. You’ll also learn how to open up to one another in an environment that feels safe, with the assistance of an external mediator.
4. There’s a major issue you can’t resolve
Do you feel like you have the same argument with your partner repeatedly, without making substantial progress? Whether you habitually fight about money, household responsibilities, or another issue, repetitive arguments can take a heavy toll on your relationship. They can weaken the sense of teamwork that should exist between you and your partner and create feelings of frustration and resentment. A therapist can help you and your partner agree on a compromise and develop a realistic plan to achieve that compromise.
5. Your goals in life don’t align
Most couples who connect with one another while young discover that their goals and aspirations change over time. One partner might change their mind about having children, for example, or decide they’d like to pursue a very different way of life. Objective advice from a therapist can help you and your partner find a middle ground between your conflicting goals.
6. You never argue
Though very painful, aggressive arguments don’t belong in any relationship, constructive conflict does. If you and your partner never debate important issues, you’re probably avoiding things you feel might be difficult to discuss. This is problematic because it signifies a state of emotional withdrawal from the relationship. During the therapeutic process, you’ll get in touch with emotions you may be repressing and learn how to debate issues in a productive, mutually loving way.
7. You’re frustrated with your intimate life
Intimacy needs vary from person to person, and it’s normal for intimacy levels to fluctuate as relationships grow and change. However, if either you or your partner feel unsatisfied with the amount of physical intimacy that’s present in your relationship, you should consider seeing a therapist. Even if a lack of intimacy doesn’t lead to infidelity, it can damage the sense of trust and connection between both partners.
During therapy, you’ll be able to assess whether your difficulties with intimacy are driven by emotional, physical, or lifestyle factors. If you and your partner are struggling to make time for sexual intimacy, your therapist can help you adjust your schedule to make your relationship a priority.
8. You’ve experienced a major life change
Any event that changes the dynamics of a relationship can potentially lead to instability. Having a child, getting married, facing serious illness or disability, buying a home, and even making a career change can all disrupt the normal patterns of a relationship and create friction. Talking to a therapist as soon as any major life change occurs can help you identify potential points of conflict; it can also give you a better idea of what to expect as you navigate your new situation.
9. You feel like you need couples therapy
If your gut instinct is telling you that you need relationship counselling, then there’s a high chance you do. Perhaps you’re not feeling satisfied with your relationship but you don’t know why, or you feel like a certain “spark” is missing. Therapy can help you process vague, confusing, or contradictory emotions, and from there, you can reignite your relationship.
Whatever your reasons are for seeking therapy, remember that it never hurts to try counselling. Through therapy, you’ll gain insight into yourself and clarify what your priorities are in relationships—knowledge that will serve you well no matter where life takes you.
Further Reading:
We suggest reading the post by Dr. Joe Accardi on the signs that you are in a happy relationship.
